I Love Calcutta : Rabindra Sarovar Lake

I love Calcutta !

Rabindra Sarovar lake .

Is One Child Enough ?

I have been planning to write this post ever since I received a request from one of my colleague from a former organization Let me call her Ms. Pretty for anonymity sake .  

This is for you Pretty , and I am sorry for the delay. 

Nevertheless, better late than never. 

Pretty, you have asked me a couple of questions .

Do you think having one baby has any disadvantages? 
Did your daughter ever feel the need for a sibling ?  
Did she ever feel lonely ? 
I am so confused with all the advise which I am getting ! Please tell me ...

Hmm ... I am sure  many women have the same dilemma . Let me write my point of view and share some personal experiences on this topic.

First and foremost, you should consider whether you are ready for another child or not.  It should be a decision which should be mainly taken by the mother. You should not be coerced or forced into taking any decision just because your mother, father, aunt, uncle , grandmother, mother-in-law or the whole world is telling you to have the second child . Well, to concede a bit, you can hear out your the husband's words , but beware, do not be swayed too much by it . 😅😅

It is your decision. Period. 

Couple of things to be kept in mind while taking the decision.  

Are you physically and mentally prepared for another baby ? You already know that it is a 24 X 7 job tending to a newborn , at least for the first few months.  There will be nights when you will not be able to sleep, tending and feeding the baby, changing nappies and taking care of the child. Remember that though the times are changing, it is mainly the mothers who take charge as the caregiver.

You know how the family dynamics changed when you had your first bundle of joy. You know very well how it turns your life upside down and everything revolves around the kid. It will change again . Now the dynamics of the elder sibling will also be there. The family routine will change again. As a mother , you will have to divide your attention between both the kids. Usually the elder one feels a bit neglected during the initial few months and this has to be dealt very softly and delicately.  

This is rather important because the psychological complexities during childhood, if not handled correctly, leaves deep scars in the personality and is carried forward as a baggage in the future years and in future relationships. 

Are you financially stable and will be able to handle the expenditure of the baby ?  A very basic but important point to take a decision.

Career is important. My personal take on this is that all the females should work. Not only for financial independence but for self fulfillment too. I have seen many females quitting their jobs saying that "My first priority is my baby and I want to do my best ".  Yes, your children, your family are very very important, but I think that the first priority is You ! If you are unhappy, then the full family becomes unhappy.  The children should be the father's priority too.  Have you ever heard a father saying " I will quit my job as the baby is my first priority ? " 

It is a collective unconscious which makes the females "guilty" on this topic. Both the husband and the wife have to share the rearing of the children. It cements the relationships solidly ! My own experience as a working mother furthers my argument.  It was a very very difficult time when I had to join back office. So many problems , family advice, chiding, asking me to quit. But I really wanted to grow in my career. I persevered. Went through the struggle.   But finally, when I look back, I am happy that I did not quit my job.  When I see my daughter taking her own decisions, much more confident than some of her peers, much more balanced , logical and self sufficient, I am happy that I did not quit.  I can write a book on this topic 😊.

Enough on the criteria for the decision making, now coming to your specific questions. Did my daughter ever feel lonely .. well , I don't think so. From her childhood, she was an avid and a voracious reader. I guess that must helped her not feeling lonely. She had lots of friends and the usual childish gossips, pains, happiness were shared with them. When she was in her early teens, she had become a bit of a recluse, the usual teenage and puberty signs. But that in fact goaded me to become extra communicative with her. I started treating her as an adult and shared my feelings , recounted my childhood pains and experiences. 

In fact after I came back from work, my husband, me and my daughter had a ritual. She prepared tea for us (oh .. it was so tasty !) and we used to talk for at least 30 to 40 minutes everyday.  She talked about her day, her school and we talked about work etc.  Whenever I used to get a chance , I talked with her.  As she grew up, I told her about my childhood, my infatuations, silly things , taboo topics and slowly we became friends ! 

Communication is so very important . But it does not happen in a day. You have to nurture it. There is no such topic on the earth which I cannot share with her and vice versa.  

Did my daughter ever feel the need for a sibling ? I don't think so. In fact sometimes she said that she is fine as the only child. But I do not take her word for that because she does not have the experience of having a sibling ! But she never complained !

But coming to think about it, sometimes I feel that it might have been a good idea if I had another kid. There are two main reasons. First, you can trust and share your innermost thoughts with your sibling. Yes, I did finally become my daughter's friend, but the equation between the siblings is a different dimension of the relationship.

Second , as the parents grow old, they need support. Usually not financial, but psychological. They want the proximity, the company of the kids. They want to talk. They want a bit of attention. If you have a sibling, this can be shared. There is a fallback for both of them. 

I say the above two points now, at this stage. But I know I took the right decision of having one child because some of the criteria which I have written earlier were not getting fulfilled.  

I am Happy. My husband is happy. My daughter is happy.

Pretty, I hope I have been able to assuage some of your agony and doubts. There is no right or wrong answer to "Is one child enough ? " It varies from person to person, differs with situations, changes with the personal priorities.

Finally, it is you who have to decide. 

But whatever you decide, be happy and safe ! Do not have any regrets please !

Cheers and hope to hear from you and all others who have some viewpoint, doubt or question on this topic ! 

Write in the remarks column and I will get back to you !

Why Stories are so important

I once had the honour of visiting a Military Cantontment area of the Indian Army and I was amazed at the discipline, orderliness, courage and commitment of our soldiers. After lunch, I was strolling in the well kept garden and I saw a sepoy guarding the gate. 

His Khakhi dress was clean and well pressed, clean shaven , his eyes were bright with pride. 

I smiled at him and he smiled back .  And I started chit chatting with him. He was from a remote village in Bihar, where his old parents, younger brother and sister stayed.  His face lit up when I asked him about his village . 

"Ma'm, I have applied for a month's leave and I will visit them . I have bought a pretty salwar kameez for my sister, a shirt for my brother , a sari for my mother and a nice pair of shoes for my father !" He beamed. 

"But I have heard that sometimes the leaves get cancelled ... " 

"Han, Ma'm ... but that is OK ... the leaves gets cancelled only if the country is in danger - internally or externally ... and anyways , duty always comes first"

"You will not feel bad if you cannot visit your hometown ? " I probed.

"If my leave gets cancelled, it is a small thing.  I will get it later. I can and will give my life for my motherland if needed ..."

I was amazed . 

A person , at the lowest rung of the organization, and such was his pride about his job ! And he was not fibbing ! Almost everyday I read about insurgencies in and people laying down their lives for the country.  

What makes them so loyal and passionate ? 

Money ? No ! They get peanuts compared to us who sit in AC rooms in big MNCs. 

Perks ? No !

Swanky offices and status ? No !

Then what ?? What gives them the pride , selfless commitment and sense of responsibility. 

Well, my dear readers, it is stories . 

Yes ! Stories about the Indian Army, stories about independence struggle and great leaders, stories about their own regiment and the heroes of their own regiment , about the sacrifice of the martyrs . 

These stories gets ingrained in the minds of the soldiers. Right from the start when they are inducted into the force,  they are told about these stories. The stories are recounted and repeated several times.  They are motivated by their seniors who are passionate about these stories . So by and by they are indoctrinated into patriotism, loyalty and sense of oneness with the army, their regiment and the country. 

Coming to think of it, the family bonding also gets that inseparable adhesive from the stories. Whenever I meed my extended family, my siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts we laugh and roll at the same jokes, same incidents and same stories. These are the memories which have now become stories. It gives a character to each family, the glue which holds us together, in thick and thin. We are joined by the spirit of oneness with these stories. 

We can do the same thing in organizations. 

Each organization is unique.  The character and personality of the organization is the organization's Vision and Mission statement.  The employees should be bound by stories. I remember in one organization where I worked previously,  in all the presentations, the first slide was mandatorily  the Vision and the Mission slide saying "Who We Are ".  The presenter would pick up one element of the Who We Are and elaborate how the session was linked with the broader Vision of the organization.  The President of the Company, an adorable and great orator, whenever he visited any facility, he would tell the story of how we started as a small company with two employees . He would describe small details, personal ones about his joining the organization and seeing it grow.  The employees loved the stories.  It brought them closer. The bond became stronger. 

In another organization, in the 7 day induction program, the new joiners were told to talk to the senior employees about how they "live" the "Values" of the organization.  As the new employees talked to these people, they heard stories, personal experiences in the organization, how they dealt with problems, overcame them ... all in the spirit of the values and beliefs of the organization. 

In these two organizations, the attrition is minimal. The employees swear by the organization. They love and respect the company and take great pride in working .  Stories help to manage and lead changes

Do you have such stories in your organization ? I am sure you do. Start feeling good about these stories and start putting this powerful adhesive to use and see how well it works !

Cheers ! 

Jai Hind !